Appreciation

Self-acceptance is such a gift.  I've been watching a lot of 'Bethenny Ever After' and I think part of why I love this bitch so much is because I can relate!  She got married, had a baby, and had her career take off all in the same year and I've had similar time condensed success.  I think for both of us while it looks as though these things came seemingly overnight, the groundwork was being laid years ahead of time.  Lots of goals, hard work, and therapy helped get me (and I believe her as well) to this place.

Recently, I have been struggling with, "What next?"  I'm in the second half of studying for the EPPP, I should be licensed a year from now, and I would like to begin expanding our family.  Of course, I'm such a planner and have difficulty remaining in the here and now, but it feels wonderful to take a moment and appreciate the present.  I think it's important for my sanity (and marriage!) for me to take a break from the goal setting and appreciate what I have because I have so much.  Darn that ever fleeting balance!  Just when I forget all about it it bites me in the tush and brings me back to reality.  This is exactly why my new year's resolution was weekly yoga classes.  Namaste.

Rantings

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "S." As in Self-esteem! It's my weakness. As a therapist I should be all empathic and understanding, but in life I have very little tolerance (it's my bias, I know) for those with low self-esteem. I find it much less irritating to work with clients who have a low sense of self than I used to. Perhaps it gives me a sense of hope or control to know I am part of the self-discovery/acceptance process for a confidence challenged individual. I don't know.

I have been thinking quite a bit about it and the process is somewhat ironic. We all have the need for value and worth and so those who believe they don't deserve it seem to achieve it by getting unduly angry at others for wronging them (although they rarely do more than bitch to others about said wrongings) or by doing other selfish acts such as falling into self-pitying depression, addiction, or what have you. The self finds a way to get it's narcissistic needs met. Those who value themselves seem to get their needs met in more acceptable, healthy ways: asking for appreciation, utilizing appropriate confrontation, not questioning whether or not they deserve something good, etc.

I realize that there must be something in me that fears low self-esteem otherwise it would not strike such a chord. Alas, I struggled with issues of self-acceptance growing up and have worked hard to come to the place I'm at now. Perhaps I'm a bit embarrassed that I wasn't always in such a sure-footed position in my life?

Why is it so easy to dislike ourselves? Why do people readily accept the bad things about oneself and struggle more with the good? Can Puritan blood STILL be running through our collective veins? Okay, so this was a bit of a rambling post, but it was personally helpful to see this issue in black and white and begin to take it apart for myself! Thanks, computer therapy! :)

It's been years!

Hello, sorry I've been so out of touch! Reading back on this blog has put a smile on my face! That wonderful crush/boyfriend turned into a husband (Password: STOUT) just over 4 months ago. I finished internship and successfully defended my dissertation in August. I got a job at UT's counseling center a month ago and will be studying for the EPPP soon. My how time flies!

I thought grad school would never end. The things I've wanted most in my life were a PhD and a wonderful partner. Strangely, I got both of those within weeks of each other! I've never been so happy in my whole life. I tell him all the time how much I love our life. Sure, I still over-commit myself and more money would always be nice, but basically, I'm fabulously happy. I'm personally and professionally fulfilled. How many people get to say that?! I so wish I could go back to visit myself at earlier, more difficult points in my life and say, "Hey, it gets better! Keep putting the work in! It pays off." Sorry this is such a gushing, cheesy post, but it's heartfelt. Life is good!

Leisure Time

So my hopes for a wonderful semester weren't exactly met. Dissertation proposal was one big panic attack and internship applications have given me a large dose of humility. I have to grade papers today and give a final tomorrow and then I'm done teaching for the rest of grad school. So strange! I loved teaching this class and this program, but teaching is a lot of work! (Who knew?!)

Well, now that things have dramatically slowed down I am a huge lazy mess. I would love to sit in bed and eat bon bons all day. And by eat bon bons I mean drink coffee, go on Facebook, and read books of no psychological significance. Alas, there's always SOMETHING to do so it seems that my leisure time will be cut short.

I have 3 interviews for internship coming up and while I'm thrilled with those interviews I'm more than a little annoyed at the ones I did not get. Texas State? University of Illinois-Chicago? Come on! Those aren't even amazing programs! I'm not great at a lot of things, but I am a damn good therapist and so it is more than a little upsetting that these programs didn't want me. I know, I know, I sound like an egotistical bitch, but I do feel this way.

School Starts

It's been awhile! Well, classes started back up yesterday, but this lady was only teaching! Yay! I have plenty to complain about (extra therapy hours, no pay increase or TA for teaching twice as many kids as last year), but all in all things are going well.

Dissertation coming along...check! Internship applications coming along...check! Excited about teaching 60 wide-eyed 18 year olds...check! Fabulous, adoring, sweet, smart, and hilarious boyfriend...check! Seeing as how I'm naturally a high strung person and am obviously worried about dissertation and internship applications, I'm doing quite well. This is going to be a fabulous year:)

Me time

Writing's supposed to be cathartic, right? Well, I could use a little catharsis right now. I am overwhelmed and overworked!

"It's summer," you say, "how can one be anything but blissful and lively?" Well, as usual, this bitch has taken on too many damn commitments! I was only working 10hrs for the first part of the summer and was very poor so naturally I thought it would be brilliant to accept a 20hr TA position and a bazillion hours of babysitting. Oh yeah, and I think I acquired a boyfriend in the meantime (crush status has upgraded!)so although that is a blissful acquisition, boys require attention! Hence, now I have too much on my plate and not enough time to do anything particularly well. Ugh.

Worry not, dear friends! I have devised a genius plan for tackling my stressful status. It's called sitting on the couch and watching every B movie that cable has to offer until I fall asleep still wearing my clothes. It's fool-proof.




______________________________________________________________________________________

Misc.

Ahem, summer crush going swimmingly:)




_______________________________________________________________________________________________